Five Easy Tips to Survive Slovak Restaurants

1. Forget about Slovak specialties. These are things like Bryndzové halušky, which only Slovaks can/should appreciate.
   
2. Limit the damage they can do. Order food where you know the ingredients are simple and can't be fucked up. Example: Order Pizza Margherita, not Pizza capricciosa (the ham is industrial, the mushrooms from an unidentifiable source, the artichokes from 2007, and the olives are missing anyway).
3. Be prepared for a 45 minute wait. You can't avoid this. If you order take-away, you will wait 40 minutes. If you complain, the response is "this is no McDonald's".
4. Choose the restaurant by the look of the waitress. At least you will enjoy one thing.
   
5. Slovaks drink a lot of beer and hard liquor. This makes it easier to survive the food. Don't even think of trying Slovak wine.